The Day After…

I have found nothing in the past few weeks to help on my search to being happy again.  My son is still the only thing I live for.  I turned 31 yesterday, and I have orange hair.

That was what I had figured out by my birthday.  Now, a few days later, I have realized I am unhappy because of someone.  Someone who isn’t really even in my life anymore.  You know when you think you found the perfect guy…and then realize you got played.  Yeah, that is what I am thinking only I’ve continued to be unhappy because I wanted to believe it was real.  Why do we allow anyone else to have that much power over us?  It can be a different person for each of us but at some point in your life you let a parent, a partner, or a friend decide who you were.  Maybe it was just for a short time or its continued on for years, every situation is different, but I believe we’ve all been there.  Lost sight of who we are because what made someone else happy (usually someone you love) was more important.

Basically, there is no happily ever after; dying your hair red because he likes red heads (which it is now but just because it won’t go white!), defending him for horrible things he said, trying to still be friends even though he never sees you…none of it is going to make it come back.  He isn’t going to magically decide he wants to be with you when he obviously never really did.  Why have I been holding onto something that I knew was never going to happen?  There is hope and then there is wishful thinking; and really I only have myself to blame.

I’ve let myself be delusional, I have been unhappy because I thought only that one thing…that one person, could make me happy again.  Not just happy but as if life was perfect in those few moments I was being played with singing, wine, and chocolate.  I have to find away to let it all go, everything I’ve held onto for over a year needs out of my life forever.  I’m making myself unhappy holding on to things that were never real, dwelling on them even when I didn’t think I was, forgetting to live life.  That is one thing no one should ever have the ability to do to, take away who you are.  I am the most important person in my life (besides my son!), and I deserve to be happy.

A Perspective on Life

A Perspective on Life

Life is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have signaling and self-sustaining process from those that do not, either because such functions have ceased (death), or else because they lack such functions and are classified as inanimate.

To begin I will admit that I have had a hard time coming up with a topic for my first blog.  I felt at our first meeting for our Belle Donne group last night (on 8/14/13) Jen, Megan, Emily, and Ashley had a better perspective on what was required for this group blog than myself.   This would not be the first time I felt like I was a little slower or more behind than others; actually I would say it has happened my whole life.  My mother and half-brother, Ernie, both have serious mental delays, and I have always had a fear that in some way I inherited this as well.  Between understanding things at school to how life works in general in the ‘real world’ I believe it took me until I was 27 and had my son to truly grasp this in a better sense; and to which I am still learning everyday.

I honestly believe that a lot of what happens to us in life are things we don’t expect while we are too busy looking the other way.  It has seriously been that way for me in my own personal experience.  How many times do you find yourself thinking ‘if only I knew then what I know now?’  For myself it would be more times than I can count.  When we pass away or if we happened to be inanimate objects (which if you are either of these two things and are reading this that would be really awesome and strange!) we would not be dealing with what we experience in life; love, hate, happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, and more.  I love coffee, I hate driving on the highway, hearing my son laugh makes me happy, thinking of the other child I didn’t have makes me sad, ignorance to the feeling of others makes me angry, not finishing college makes me feel disappointed, and I have a fear of falling.

That would be my perspective on life on a day to day basis, but what about on a larger scale?  I decided to write about this because I recently had a conversation with my ex about our difference of opinion in events that happened between us last year.  Mike said he didn’t want to argue about it, and I agreed because what was in the past was going to stay there anyway, and we all have our own version of our own life not someone elses.  He put it the best way I have ever heard when he responded with, ‘while it may be true that we all have a version of life (i hypothesize that this is due to the subjective nature of consciousness in this universe), not all can see what we want… even so, it is good to acknowledge that everyone has their own perspective on events… this can be a source of strength and insight one can carry into the big, crazy world.’

I believe someone once said, ‘there are two sides to every story…and then there is the truth.’  So I have decided to try to work on more patience and understanding of others in my on growing perspective on life;  because even if I am right about something doesn’t mean the other person is wrong.  The one person I would thank the most for my own personal appreciation on seeing life differently would be my 3 year old son.  We all have our own personal things in life that helps us feel calmer, slow down for a while, and take it one day at a time.  For me it is my son with helping me realize to just have fun sometimes and not always take life so seriously; my ‘bright side’ even in the dark times we face in this life.

Davina

The First Poem I Ever Wrote

I believe I feel like sharing this now even though my life story I plan to start sharing through September is about two weeks away…in its own way it is a poem version of how I saw my life from when I was young to when I finally wrote it down on paper last year.

The Arcana of My Life

Innocent and naïve, I once was

Until I saw the world

And what the future held for me because…

Insanity would claimed my mother for its own

While father vanished from my vision, and I knew not where he had gone

I prayed for God to save me, but realized soon he too had left me alone

Abandoned without love, I saw my own personal hell

Life moved on, as I stood still

Broken inside, but I could see that I hid it well

I withdrew into myself, weak and pale

Becoming blind to what was real

Dying felt easier than being alive, as I saw myself hanging from a rope, thin and frail

But Death would not take me yet

Fate was patient, but unkind

For all my sins and regrets, the Devil I did still owe a debt

Though I was not ready when he found his way inside my mind

Hope was fleeting, and I let go

Illusions and nightmares were all that I could now find

I look around my world, where the darkness has not yet won

And wonder what I would do to deserve what was to come

What price must I pay to live my next life out in the sun?