I believe in…(blank)…

 

At a time we are all supposed to believe in Christmas Spirit and Joy; I am desperately trying to find something that will help me get out of my depressed state.  I have been unhappy for the better part of a year, with only a few glimpses of what it once meant to be happy.  I sit around in what everyone calls my ‘mom robe’, avoid going anywhere if I don’t have to (work, gas station, store occasionally, movie theater to see Catching Fire…obviously only the most important things that can not be overlooked), and I sleep more than I should (I partly blame the cold weather on this).  I would like to live again, even if it is the life I have been handed for now, and get out there in the world again.

Someone once said something along the lines of ‘If you don’t like your life, change it.’  Okay, I’ll get right on that (cough *sarcasm*)!  I think that person was a fucking idiot (or I will find out later it was a genius who knew a secret to life I never will).  I have a 3 year old son who needs stability after everything we have been through, a job I don’t like but has benefits, and bills that have to be paid.  I go to work (most days),  take care of my son everyday I am not at work, and have amazing friends I never see.  The only ‘realistic’ thing I could change is my hair color again, and that would be in the form of a $5 box of dye from Walmart.

I could make goals to change my life in the future, but that does not help my wanting to change my life now.  I can not change the past no matter how many times I go to bed hoping to wake up at any pivotal moment in my life…and make a different choice.  I smoke, drink too much coffee, and rely on professional and self medicating in the present to get past each day to the next.  Everything has its limits, and that maybe why I dread the future if this is how I am now.  What happens if I go back to (as put best recently in ‘Meet Virginia’ by Train I heard on my way to work yesterday) “…Well she wants to live her life, Then she thinks about her life, Pulls her hair back, as she screams, ‘I don’t really wanna life this life’…”

I feel like I am screaming for help sometimes, but no one notices; and if I actually screamed no one would hear me.  I have lost my voice, and possibly my mind with it.  I don’t want to go back there, not to that dark place of actually not wanting to live anymore.  Sometimes I still believe dying would not be so bad.  I could not imagine not watching my son grow up, but its a different mind set all together when you get so depressed, and feel so much pain nothing; not even time; seems to be healing your wounds.  I take it one day at a time, but they are all the same.  I will be 31 in 10 days, and need to find something in life to believe in again; the way children believe in magic.

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Audrey Hepburn

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.

Norman Vincent Peale

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Eleanor Roosevelt

I do believe we’re all connected. I do believe in positive energy. I do believe in the power of prayer. I do believe in putting good out into the world. And I believe in taking care of each other.

Harvey Fierstein

I think I have lost sight of who I am.  Who is Davina (aka Mommy)?  I think if I could remember that, then I could believe in myself again.  I need to believe in anything again, and from there the rest will follow (including magic).  In the next 10 days I will start trying to find myself, love myself instead of hate, and believe I could still accomplish my dreams in life instead of giving up.  I will post again on my 31st birthday, December 14th, to share what progress I have made, and how far I still have to go on this journey to finding my self (again), and hopefully the reasons we continue living even when everything has gone so wrong.

A Perspective on Life

A Perspective on Life

Life is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have signaling and self-sustaining process from those that do not, either because such functions have ceased (death), or else because they lack such functions and are classified as inanimate.

To begin I will admit that I have had a hard time coming up with a topic for my first blog.  I felt at our first meeting for our Belle Donne group last night (on 8/14/13) Jen, Megan, Emily, and Ashley had a better perspective on what was required for this group blog than myself.   This would not be the first time I felt like I was a little slower or more behind than others; actually I would say it has happened my whole life.  My mother and half-brother, Ernie, both have serious mental delays, and I have always had a fear that in some way I inherited this as well.  Between understanding things at school to how life works in general in the ‘real world’ I believe it took me until I was 27 and had my son to truly grasp this in a better sense; and to which I am still learning everyday.

I honestly believe that a lot of what happens to us in life are things we don’t expect while we are too busy looking the other way.  It has seriously been that way for me in my own personal experience.  How many times do you find yourself thinking ‘if only I knew then what I know now?’  For myself it would be more times than I can count.  When we pass away or if we happened to be inanimate objects (which if you are either of these two things and are reading this that would be really awesome and strange!) we would not be dealing with what we experience in life; love, hate, happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, and more.  I love coffee, I hate driving on the highway, hearing my son laugh makes me happy, thinking of the other child I didn’t have makes me sad, ignorance to the feeling of others makes me angry, not finishing college makes me feel disappointed, and I have a fear of falling.

That would be my perspective on life on a day to day basis, but what about on a larger scale?  I decided to write about this because I recently had a conversation with my ex about our difference of opinion in events that happened between us last year.  Mike said he didn’t want to argue about it, and I agreed because what was in the past was going to stay there anyway, and we all have our own version of our own life not someone elses.  He put it the best way I have ever heard when he responded with, ‘while it may be true that we all have a version of life (i hypothesize that this is due to the subjective nature of consciousness in this universe), not all can see what we want… even so, it is good to acknowledge that everyone has their own perspective on events… this can be a source of strength and insight one can carry into the big, crazy world.’

I believe someone once said, ‘there are two sides to every story…and then there is the truth.’  So I have decided to try to work on more patience and understanding of others in my on growing perspective on life;  because even if I am right about something doesn’t mean the other person is wrong.  The one person I would thank the most for my own personal appreciation on seeing life differently would be my 3 year old son.  We all have our own personal things in life that helps us feel calmer, slow down for a while, and take it one day at a time.  For me it is my son with helping me realize to just have fun sometimes and not always take life so seriously; my ‘bright side’ even in the dark times we face in this life.

Davina