A Reflection

A Reflection

There is a shadow looming in front of me, and the closer I get the more apprehensive I become.  My fear grows as I realize I am standing face to face with a mirror, and the image looking back at me is not one I recognize.  It is me, a me I no longer know, a me I feel I have never truly understood.  Sometimes I think I am average at best, but when I look, really look, on my bad days I find myself thinking how ugly and tired I appear to be.  Personally, when I stare at my own reflection it is not only the physical depiction I see but also the anger, resentment, mistakes, and regrets I try to keep buried deep inside my soul.  Depression and anxiety course through my entire being, and I can’t seem to find the strength to make it go away.  Instead I revel in it, I hold on tight, and greet it like an old friend.

I wonder what others genuinely see or think of me, from the first impression to a friendship down a long bumpy road it always remains somewhere in the back of my mind.  While some people may not care what others think; I know we all try but there comes a time it feels personal and affects everyone on some level of their consciousness.  Someone may sit around wondering why a specific person doesn’t like them, what they may have said or done wrong.  I sit around wondering why all the people in my life stick around or even care about me.  I am nothing special, I have not much to offer, I am a follower not a leader, and have perceived myself taking on traits of others because I feel I never had the chance to figure out who I was because of the negativity that has surrounded my life for so long.  With a mother who was a depressed, suicidal, mentally challenged person that became emotionally and physically abusive, I sense I lost the connection of the person I could have been.

Living in a house of lies through my formative years one might think I have a hard time trusting others; instead I trust too easily but I am never surprised when I am disappointed.  I do have friends there for me no matter how long its been since we’ve even exchanged a few words; and yet I am alone.  I feel alone.  I chain smoke, drink coffee, and write.  When I go out I can not control the pang of jealousy that hits when I see someone with a baby, as it reminds me of the second child I didn’t have.  I cried when I was told it is best I don’t have children anymore after the last one had to be ended; I don’t like that my choice has been taken away from me.

I am slowly losing my grip on sanity when I see that reflection of myself in the mirror.  I think about getting off my medication, and having another baby even if it would make me a single mom with 2 children instead of just my son.  I can not see myself actually doing it, because it doesn’t bring the other one back, and nothing could replace the hole in my heart except the one thing they say: time heals all wounds.

With all of that going on inside me, I am still here, and I live each day for my 3 year old son (whom I believe is a genius already!).  We all have bad days, hated ourselves for one thing or another, made mistakes, and have regrets.  When I am out with friends I may sometimes put on a brave happy face, but after a while the pretending to be positive actually becomes real; the more positive you try to be the more it happens.  I learned that I am not alone even when it seems like I am.  Jen is my blue sapphire, my constant, truth, and calm through every storm I face.  Ashley is my ruby, passionate, loving, and Ash burns as bright red as our identical Sag. fire sign suggests.  Emily is my emerald, down to earth with a peaceful disposition I can always count on to bring me hope like that of a new spring, and Em is my (as she once wrote for me) ‘I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being…’  Megan is my diamond, brilliant, joyful, and so full of life one can not help but feel like every day is worth living when she is around.

When you see your reflection in the water, the mirror, or a store window what do you truly see?  The negative is there and I don’t ask anyone to overcome it because sometimes its just too strong and will break you instead.  But if you can find a way to glimpse a positive balance to equal out that negative; I promise you one day you’ll make it out the other side.

                   

             Davina