I abandoned my blog in the past few months, and writing all together. After finding out I could not write my 30 Days in 30 Years because of the problems it caused others I got discouraged. I have also come to realize I can no longer edit my novel without help, which means finding others who have the time to read it and give me feedback (coming in at over 90,000 words this has been hard to do!). Right now things seem to be looking up after feeling lost for so long.
The biggest thing I am struggling with right now is baby fever. Maybe this is due to the fact that I am almost 31 and my son is now 3. It may have more to due with the fact that around this time last year I found out I was pregnant, and after talking with friends, family, and my doctors among other reasons I had to end it. October 30th will probably not be a good day for me but I will try to plan something fun to do with my son to distract me. It would be a very big undertaking for me to ever try to have another child. After my son was born I had postpartum psychosis (they gave me a shot of 3 months of birth control 2 days after I had him that is known to heighten anxiety and depression in women, this may have played a role in how bad I got), and this included thoughts of hurting my newborn son, myself, and eventually others. The hallucinations and evil voices took over my whole being. This started coming back two weeks after I found out I was pregnant last year. Someday I may write exactly what happened to me because others should know it is very real and there should be no shame in getting help for it such as I did. It is not an easy thing to admit by any means but getting help saved our lives. Everything I have done and sacrificed has been for the son I already have, he is my life.
Ending my pregnancy also ended my relationship with the father for a while, we are now friends which helps a lot, though it did not affect him as it did me. By December I hated myself so much that when I turned 30 I tried to OD on my medication thinking everyone, including my son was better off without me. With the help of my friends, along with all the other struggles in my life, I made it through. Soon after we found out my son’s father was on drugs and started committing felonies which included breaking and entering both of his parents homes to steal money and anything he could pawn. It was a nightmare for two weeks until I woke up one night in March to see him in my bedroom. He took my purse and my car, and come to find out he got in the crawl space in the rafters to kick in my spare room ceiling to get in. They had him arrested within 12 hours as I drive a bright yellow car (not so many of those around!) and he happened to be in an area that a former co-worker of ours had moved to and he had no idea. The universe gave us a break and by that one small miracle she called the cops knowing what was going on and they had him. Then we went through months of court hearings, plea deal, and the sentence of 2 years in prison with 3 years of mandatory parole. My son’s father has a wonderful family, no one saw it coming, and it just goes to show you it can hit anyone, any family, no one is exempt in life.
I went to the Lindner Center of Hope for two weeks to help me deal with all of these things that had happened and I began to fall apart again. After that I find out I needed major surgery on my neck for TOS from a fall down the stairs a year ago. The muscles were causing pain and cutting off the use of my right arm/hand. I am right handed so this was a major problem! If you ever have a surgery where they have to deflate your lung (my surgeon was using the da Vinci machine and went in under my right arm) be prepared to learn how to breath again! I am lucky to have a job with insurance and disability so these 6 months off work were made a little easier knowing I was able to pay my bills and I would not have an outrages hospital bill after it was all over.
I have now been back to work for 3 weeks and have decided to move in with friends over the next two weeks. We do not live a good neighborhood which is getting worse everyday. So we are now moving to a nice area where I will have less to worry about mine and my son’s safety. I have also decided I want to start doing new things. My first three goals is to have someone read my novel and start working on it again, learn how to play chess, and learn how to play the violin! My friends can teach me to play chess, I found a professional to pay after bills are caught up to read my novel, and all that is left is to buy a violin and start learning. My short term goal right now is to figure out what my son will be for halloween this year! 🙂
Between figuring out what to keep writing about on this blog I have decided to use something I know to continue to post at least one thing every week. Since my novel (which will be a series of 4) is based in a way on the Tarot I have studied them over the years. There are 12 major cards that represent the twelve signs of the zodiac. So I am going to try my hand at writing a weekly horoscope with the Tarot for each sign and see if people like it. I can’t promise anything, I am not psychic but I’ve had some luck reading them for friends and will be something fun to try out. We all need some fun in our lives.
Davina
A Perspective On Life 