Silence

What does one write when all you hear is silence?  Sure I hear people talking, the door slam shut behind me, the birds outside; but none of it means anything.  I’ve moved from where all the bad stuff began this time last year.  I am also going to learn to play the violin in hopes it will soothe my broken soul.  I am still not sure anything I have felt in the past year has been real except for the sadness and the pain.  I feel like I am in a maze where each day feels like the one before; even with everything I am doing to change it.  When do you get past a choice you made you can not change?  I have made many, but this one will not go away, and I fear it will stay with me forever.  October 30th is not so far away, and the closer it gets to more depressed I become.  Should I ever try to have more children after postpartum psychosis with my son, and ending a pregnancy on that day a year ago because it was coming back? No, not according to my doctors anyway.  Do I know my desire to have a baby right now is because I want another chance? Yes, but I also know it is a delusional way of wanting to replace her (according to a dream though I will never really know if it was a girl), which I also know I could never do.  So I cry for her now, and for my son who I feel like I am failing because I wasn’t a good enough mother to keep my last pregnancy.  Hormones are a bitch.  I also cry for myself because I can; I have to or I would not be here today; and sometimes, in moments like these, I wonder why I still am…

A Perspective on Life

A Perspective on Life

Life is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have signaling and self-sustaining process from those that do not, either because such functions have ceased (death), or else because they lack such functions and are classified as inanimate.

To begin I will admit that I have had a hard time coming up with a topic for my first blog.  I felt at our first meeting for our Belle Donne group last night (on 8/14/13) Jen, Megan, Emily, and Ashley had a better perspective on what was required for this group blog than myself.   This would not be the first time I felt like I was a little slower or more behind than others; actually I would say it has happened my whole life.  My mother and half-brother, Ernie, both have serious mental delays, and I have always had a fear that in some way I inherited this as well.  Between understanding things at school to how life works in general in the ‘real world’ I believe it took me until I was 27 and had my son to truly grasp this in a better sense; and to which I am still learning everyday.

I honestly believe that a lot of what happens to us in life are things we don’t expect while we are too busy looking the other way.  It has seriously been that way for me in my own personal experience.  How many times do you find yourself thinking ‘if only I knew then what I know now?’  For myself it would be more times than I can count.  When we pass away or if we happened to be inanimate objects (which if you are either of these two things and are reading this that would be really awesome and strange!) we would not be dealing with what we experience in life; love, hate, happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, and more.  I love coffee, I hate driving on the highway, hearing my son laugh makes me happy, thinking of the other child I didn’t have makes me sad, ignorance to the feeling of others makes me angry, not finishing college makes me feel disappointed, and I have a fear of falling.

That would be my perspective on life on a day to day basis, but what about on a larger scale?  I decided to write about this because I recently had a conversation with my ex about our difference of opinion in events that happened between us last year.  Mike said he didn’t want to argue about it, and I agreed because what was in the past was going to stay there anyway, and we all have our own version of our own life not someone elses.  He put it the best way I have ever heard when he responded with, ‘while it may be true that we all have a version of life (i hypothesize that this is due to the subjective nature of consciousness in this universe), not all can see what we want… even so, it is good to acknowledge that everyone has their own perspective on events… this can be a source of strength and insight one can carry into the big, crazy world.’

I believe someone once said, ‘there are two sides to every story…and then there is the truth.’  So I have decided to try to work on more patience and understanding of others in my on growing perspective on life;  because even if I am right about something doesn’t mean the other person is wrong.  The one person I would thank the most for my own personal appreciation on seeing life differently would be my 3 year old son.  We all have our own personal things in life that helps us feel calmer, slow down for a while, and take it one day at a time.  For me it is my son with helping me realize to just have fun sometimes and not always take life so seriously; my ‘bright side’ even in the dark times we face in this life.

Davina