Silence

What does one write when all you hear is silence?  Sure I hear people talking, the door slam shut behind me, the birds outside; but none of it means anything.  I’ve moved from where all the bad stuff began this time last year.  I am also going to learn to play the violin in hopes it will soothe my broken soul.  I am still not sure anything I have felt in the past year has been real except for the sadness and the pain.  I feel like I am in a maze where each day feels like the one before; even with everything I am doing to change it.  When do you get past a choice you made you can not change?  I have made many, but this one will not go away, and I fear it will stay with me forever.  October 30th is not so far away, and the closer it gets to more depressed I become.  Should I ever try to have more children after postpartum psychosis with my son, and ending a pregnancy on that day a year ago because it was coming back? No, not according to my doctors anyway.  Do I know my desire to have a baby right now is because I want another chance? Yes, but I also know it is a delusional way of wanting to replace her (according to a dream though I will never really know if it was a girl), which I also know I could never do.  So I cry for her now, and for my son who I feel like I am failing because I wasn’t a good enough mother to keep my last pregnancy.  Hormones are a bitch.  I also cry for myself because I can; I have to or I would not be here today; and sometimes, in moments like these, I wonder why I still am…