A Reflection

A Reflection

There is a shadow looming in front of me, and the closer I get the more apprehensive I become.  My fear grows as I realize I am standing face to face with a mirror, and the image looking back at me is not one I recognize.  It is me, a me I no longer know, a me I feel I have never truly understood.  Sometimes I think I am average at best, but when I look, really look, on my bad days I find myself thinking how ugly and tired I appear to be.  Personally, when I stare at my own reflection it is not only the physical depiction I see but also the anger, resentment, mistakes, and regrets I try to keep buried deep inside my soul.  Depression and anxiety course through my entire being, and I can’t seem to find the strength to make it go away.  Instead I revel in it, I hold on tight, and greet it like an old friend.

I wonder what others genuinely see or think of me, from the first impression to a friendship down a long bumpy road it always remains somewhere in the back of my mind.  While some people may not care what others think; I know we all try but there comes a time it feels personal and affects everyone on some level of their consciousness.  Someone may sit around wondering why a specific person doesn’t like them, what they may have said or done wrong.  I sit around wondering why all the people in my life stick around or even care about me.  I am nothing special, I have not much to offer, I am a follower not a leader, and have perceived myself taking on traits of others because I feel I never had the chance to figure out who I was because of the negativity that has surrounded my life for so long.  With a mother who was a depressed, suicidal, mentally challenged person that became emotionally and physically abusive, I sense I lost the connection of the person I could have been.

Living in a house of lies through my formative years one might think I have a hard time trusting others; instead I trust too easily but I am never surprised when I am disappointed.  I do have friends there for me no matter how long its been since we’ve even exchanged a few words; and yet I am alone.  I feel alone.  I chain smoke, drink coffee, and write.  When I go out I can not control the pang of jealousy that hits when I see someone with a baby, as it reminds me of the second child I didn’t have.  I cried when I was told it is best I don’t have children anymore after the last one had to be ended; I don’t like that my choice has been taken away from me.

I am slowly losing my grip on sanity when I see that reflection of myself in the mirror.  I think about getting off my medication, and having another baby even if it would make me a single mom with 2 children instead of just my son.  I can not see myself actually doing it, because it doesn’t bring the other one back, and nothing could replace the hole in my heart except the one thing they say: time heals all wounds.

With all of that going on inside me, I am still here, and I live each day for my 3 year old son (whom I believe is a genius already!).  We all have bad days, hated ourselves for one thing or another, made mistakes, and have regrets.  When I am out with friends I may sometimes put on a brave happy face, but after a while the pretending to be positive actually becomes real; the more positive you try to be the more it happens.  I learned that I am not alone even when it seems like I am.  Jen is my blue sapphire, my constant, truth, and calm through every storm I face.  Ashley is my ruby, passionate, loving, and Ash burns as bright red as our identical Sag. fire sign suggests.  Emily is my emerald, down to earth with a peaceful disposition I can always count on to bring me hope like that of a new spring, and Em is my (as she once wrote for me) ‘I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being…’  Megan is my diamond, brilliant, joyful, and so full of life one can not help but feel like every day is worth living when she is around.

When you see your reflection in the water, the mirror, or a store window what do you truly see?  The negative is there and I don’t ask anyone to overcome it because sometimes its just too strong and will break you instead.  But if you can find a way to glimpse a positive balance to equal out that negative; I promise you one day you’ll make it out the other side.

                   

             Davina

A Perspective on Life

A Perspective on Life

Life is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have signaling and self-sustaining process from those that do not, either because such functions have ceased (death), or else because they lack such functions and are classified as inanimate.

To begin I will admit that I have had a hard time coming up with a topic for my first blog.  I felt at our first meeting for our Belle Donne group last night (on 8/14/13) Jen, Megan, Emily, and Ashley had a better perspective on what was required for this group blog than myself.   This would not be the first time I felt like I was a little slower or more behind than others; actually I would say it has happened my whole life.  My mother and half-brother, Ernie, both have serious mental delays, and I have always had a fear that in some way I inherited this as well.  Between understanding things at school to how life works in general in the ‘real world’ I believe it took me until I was 27 and had my son to truly grasp this in a better sense; and to which I am still learning everyday.

I honestly believe that a lot of what happens to us in life are things we don’t expect while we are too busy looking the other way.  It has seriously been that way for me in my own personal experience.  How many times do you find yourself thinking ‘if only I knew then what I know now?’  For myself it would be more times than I can count.  When we pass away or if we happened to be inanimate objects (which if you are either of these two things and are reading this that would be really awesome and strange!) we would not be dealing with what we experience in life; love, hate, happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, and more.  I love coffee, I hate driving on the highway, hearing my son laugh makes me happy, thinking of the other child I didn’t have makes me sad, ignorance to the feeling of others makes me angry, not finishing college makes me feel disappointed, and I have a fear of falling.

That would be my perspective on life on a day to day basis, but what about on a larger scale?  I decided to write about this because I recently had a conversation with my ex about our difference of opinion in events that happened between us last year.  Mike said he didn’t want to argue about it, and I agreed because what was in the past was going to stay there anyway, and we all have our own version of our own life not someone elses.  He put it the best way I have ever heard when he responded with, ‘while it may be true that we all have a version of life (i hypothesize that this is due to the subjective nature of consciousness in this universe), not all can see what we want… even so, it is good to acknowledge that everyone has their own perspective on events… this can be a source of strength and insight one can carry into the big, crazy world.’

I believe someone once said, ‘there are two sides to every story…and then there is the truth.’  So I have decided to try to work on more patience and understanding of others in my on growing perspective on life;  because even if I am right about something doesn’t mean the other person is wrong.  The one person I would thank the most for my own personal appreciation on seeing life differently would be my 3 year old son.  We all have our own personal things in life that helps us feel calmer, slow down for a while, and take it one day at a time.  For me it is my son with helping me realize to just have fun sometimes and not always take life so seriously; my ‘bright side’ even in the dark times we face in this life.

Davina