Silence

What does one write when all you hear is silence?  Sure I hear people talking, the door slam shut behind me, the birds outside; but none of it means anything.  I’ve moved from where all the bad stuff began this time last year.  I am also going to learn to play the violin in hopes it will soothe my broken soul.  I am still not sure anything I have felt in the past year has been real except for the sadness and the pain.  I feel like I am in a maze where each day feels like the one before; even with everything I am doing to change it.  When do you get past a choice you made you can not change?  I have made many, but this one will not go away, and I fear it will stay with me forever.  October 30th is not so far away, and the closer it gets to more depressed I become.  Should I ever try to have more children after postpartum psychosis with my son, and ending a pregnancy on that day a year ago because it was coming back? No, not according to my doctors anyway.  Do I know my desire to have a baby right now is because I want another chance? Yes, but I also know it is a delusional way of wanting to replace her (according to a dream though I will never really know if it was a girl), which I also know I could never do.  So I cry for her now, and for my son who I feel like I am failing because I wasn’t a good enough mother to keep my last pregnancy.  Hormones are a bitch.  I also cry for myself because I can; I have to or I would not be here today; and sometimes, in moments like these, I wonder why I still am…

October 2013

I abandoned my blog in the past few months, and writing all together.  After finding out I could not write my 30 Days in 30 Years because of the problems it caused others I got discouraged.  I have also come to realize I can no longer edit my novel without help, which means finding others who have the time to read it and give me feedback (coming in at over 90,000 words this has been hard to do!).  Right now things seem to be looking up after feeling lost for so long.  

The biggest thing I am struggling with right now is baby fever.  Maybe this is due to the fact that I am almost 31 and my son is now 3.  It may have more to due with the fact that around this time last year I found out I was pregnant, and after talking with friends, family, and my doctors among other reasons I had to end it.  October 30th will probably not be a good day for me but I will try to plan something fun to do with my son to distract me.  It would be a very big undertaking for me to ever try to have another child.  After my son was born I had postpartum psychosis (they gave me a shot of 3 months of birth control 2 days after I had him that is known to heighten anxiety and depression in women, this may have played a role in how bad I got), and this included thoughts of hurting my newborn son, myself, and eventually others.  The hallucinations and evil voices took over my whole being.  This started coming back two weeks after I found out I was pregnant last year.  Someday I may write exactly what happened to me because others should know it is very real and there should be no shame in getting help for it such as I did.  It is not an easy thing to admit by any means but getting help saved our lives.  Everything I have done and sacrificed has been for the son I already have, he is my life.

Ending my pregnancy also ended my relationship with the father for a while, we are now friends which helps a lot, though it did not affect him as it did me.  By December I hated myself so much that when I turned 30 I tried to OD on my medication thinking everyone, including my son was better off without me.  With the help of my friends, along with all the other struggles in my life, I made it through.  Soon after we found out my son’s father was on drugs and started committing felonies which included breaking and entering both of his parents homes to steal money and anything he could pawn.  It was a nightmare for two weeks until I woke up one night in March to see him in my bedroom.  He took my purse and my car, and come to find out he got in the crawl space in the rafters to kick in my spare room ceiling to get in.  They had him arrested within 12 hours as I drive a bright yellow car (not so many of those around!) and he happened to be in an area that a former co-worker of ours had moved to and he had no idea.  The universe gave us a break and by that one small miracle she called the cops knowing what was going on and they had him.  Then we went through months of court hearings, plea deal, and the sentence of 2 years in prison with 3 years of mandatory parole.  My son’s father has a wonderful family, no one saw it coming, and it just goes to show you it can hit anyone, any family, no one is exempt in life.  

I went to the Lindner Center of Hope for two weeks to help me deal with all of these things that had happened and I began to fall apart again.  After that I find out I needed major surgery on my neck for TOS from a fall down the stairs a year ago.  The muscles were causing pain and cutting off the use of my right arm/hand.  I am right handed so this was a major problem!  If you ever have a surgery where they have to deflate your lung (my surgeon was using the da Vinci machine and went in under my right arm) be prepared to learn how to breath again!  I am lucky to have a job with insurance and disability so these 6 months off work were made a little easier knowing I was able to pay my bills and I would not have an outrages hospital bill after it was all over.  

I have now been back to work for 3 weeks and have decided to move in with friends over the next two weeks.  We do not live a good neighborhood which is getting worse everyday.  So we are now moving to a nice area where I will have less to worry about mine and my son’s safety.  I have also decided I want to start doing new things.  My first three goals is to have someone read my novel and start working on it again, learn how to play chess, and learn how to play the violin!  My friends can teach me to play chess, I found a professional to pay after bills are caught up to read my novel, and all that is left is to buy a violin and start learning.  My short term goal right now is to figure out what my son will be for halloween this year! 🙂  

Between figuring out what to keep writing about on this blog I have decided to use something I know to continue to post at least one thing every week.  Since my novel (which will be a series of 4) is based in a way on the Tarot I have studied them over the years.  There are 12 major cards that represent the twelve signs of the zodiac.  So I am going to try my hand at writing a weekly horoscope with the Tarot for each sign and see if people like it.  I can’t promise anything, I am not psychic but I’ve had some luck reading them for friends and will be something fun to try out.  We all need some fun in our lives.  

 

Davina

A Reflection

A Reflection

There is a shadow looming in front of me, and the closer I get the more apprehensive I become.  My fear grows as I realize I am standing face to face with a mirror, and the image looking back at me is not one I recognize.  It is me, a me I no longer know, a me I feel I have never truly understood.  Sometimes I think I am average at best, but when I look, really look, on my bad days I find myself thinking how ugly and tired I appear to be.  Personally, when I stare at my own reflection it is not only the physical depiction I see but also the anger, resentment, mistakes, and regrets I try to keep buried deep inside my soul.  Depression and anxiety course through my entire being, and I can’t seem to find the strength to make it go away.  Instead I revel in it, I hold on tight, and greet it like an old friend.

I wonder what others genuinely see or think of me, from the first impression to a friendship down a long bumpy road it always remains somewhere in the back of my mind.  While some people may not care what others think; I know we all try but there comes a time it feels personal and affects everyone on some level of their consciousness.  Someone may sit around wondering why a specific person doesn’t like them, what they may have said or done wrong.  I sit around wondering why all the people in my life stick around or even care about me.  I am nothing special, I have not much to offer, I am a follower not a leader, and have perceived myself taking on traits of others because I feel I never had the chance to figure out who I was because of the negativity that has surrounded my life for so long.  With a mother who was a depressed, suicidal, mentally challenged person that became emotionally and physically abusive, I sense I lost the connection of the person I could have been.

Living in a house of lies through my formative years one might think I have a hard time trusting others; instead I trust too easily but I am never surprised when I am disappointed.  I do have friends there for me no matter how long its been since we’ve even exchanged a few words; and yet I am alone.  I feel alone.  I chain smoke, drink coffee, and write.  When I go out I can not control the pang of jealousy that hits when I see someone with a baby, as it reminds me of the second child I didn’t have.  I cried when I was told it is best I don’t have children anymore after the last one had to be ended; I don’t like that my choice has been taken away from me.

I am slowly losing my grip on sanity when I see that reflection of myself in the mirror.  I think about getting off my medication, and having another baby even if it would make me a single mom with 2 children instead of just my son.  I can not see myself actually doing it, because it doesn’t bring the other one back, and nothing could replace the hole in my heart except the one thing they say: time heals all wounds.

With all of that going on inside me, I am still here, and I live each day for my 3 year old son (whom I believe is a genius already!).  We all have bad days, hated ourselves for one thing or another, made mistakes, and have regrets.  When I am out with friends I may sometimes put on a brave happy face, but after a while the pretending to be positive actually becomes real; the more positive you try to be the more it happens.  I learned that I am not alone even when it seems like I am.  Jen is my blue sapphire, my constant, truth, and calm through every storm I face.  Ashley is my ruby, passionate, loving, and Ash burns as bright red as our identical Sag. fire sign suggests.  Emily is my emerald, down to earth with a peaceful disposition I can always count on to bring me hope like that of a new spring, and Em is my (as she once wrote for me) ‘I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being…’  Megan is my diamond, brilliant, joyful, and so full of life one can not help but feel like every day is worth living when she is around.

When you see your reflection in the water, the mirror, or a store window what do you truly see?  The negative is there and I don’t ask anyone to overcome it because sometimes its just too strong and will break you instead.  But if you can find a way to glimpse a positive balance to equal out that negative; I promise you one day you’ll make it out the other side.

                   

             Davina