At a time we are all supposed to believe in Christmas Spirit and Joy; I am desperately trying to find something that will help me get out of my depressed state. I have been unhappy for the better part of a year, with only a few glimpses of what it once meant to be happy. I sit around in what everyone calls my ‘mom robe’, avoid going anywhere if I don’t have to (work, gas station, store occasionally, movie theater to see Catching Fire…obviously only the most important things that can not be overlooked), and I sleep more than I should (I partly blame the cold weather on this). I would like to live again, even if it is the life I have been handed for now, and get out there in the world again.
Someone once said something along the lines of ‘If you don’t like your life, change it.’ Okay, I’ll get right on that (cough *sarcasm*)! I think that person was a fucking idiot (or I will find out later it was a genius who knew a secret to life I never will). I have a 3 year old son who needs stability after everything we have been through, a job I don’t like but has benefits, and bills that have to be paid. I go to work (most days), take care of my son everyday I am not at work, and have amazing friends I never see. The only ‘realistic’ thing I could change is my hair color again, and that would be in the form of a $5 box of dye from Walmart.
I could make goals to change my life in the future, but that does not help my wanting to change my life now. I can not change the past no matter how many times I go to bed hoping to wake up at any pivotal moment in my life…and make a different choice. I smoke, drink too much coffee, and rely on professional and self medicating in the present to get past each day to the next. Everything has its limits, and that maybe why I dread the future if this is how I am now. What happens if I go back to (as put best recently in ‘Meet Virginia’ by Train I heard on my way to work yesterday) “…Well she wants to live her life, Then she thinks about her life, Pulls her hair back, as she screams, ‘I don’t really wanna life this life’…”
I feel like I am screaming for help sometimes, but no one notices; and if I actually screamed no one would hear me. I have lost my voice, and possibly my mind with it. I don’t want to go back there, not to that dark place of actually not wanting to live anymore. Sometimes I still believe dying would not be so bad. I could not imagine not watching my son grow up, but its a different mind set all together when you get so depressed, and feel so much pain nothing; not even time; seems to be healing your wounds. I take it one day at a time, but they are all the same. I will be 31 in 10 days, and need to find something in life to believe in again; the way children believe in magic.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
I think I have lost sight of who I am. Who is Davina (aka Mommy)? I think if I could remember that, then I could believe in myself again. I need to believe in anything again, and from there the rest will follow (including magic). In the next 10 days I will start trying to find myself, love myself instead of hate, and believe I could still accomplish my dreams in life instead of giving up. I will post again on my 31st birthday, December 14th, to share what progress I have made, and how far I still have to go on this journey to finding my self (again), and hopefully the reasons we continue living even when everything has gone so wrong.
A Perspective On Life 