GOTR…

I was going to post pics and a bit about my time at the festival…the computer (yes I am blaming the computer!) deleted all my pics!!! 😦  So a bit later I will just start ’30 years in 30 days’ (though it was fun and so worth going!) 🙂

Gentlemen of the Road Tour!

Ready for today’s line up, going to make the most of it!

EDWARD SHARPE AND THE MAGNETIC ZEROS – 9:30 PM
PHOSPHORESCENT – 8:10 PM
WILLY MASON – 7:00 PM
HALF MOON RUN – 6:00 PM

Inferno

So, I read Dan Brown’s Inferno and I liked it much better than the last one.  Loved Angels and Demons, Da Vinci Code, and now Inferno.  I really like that he keeps you turning the next page because its so fast pace you have to know what happens next.  But really my main reason for blogging about this is to mention an idea I had when I first read The Divine Comedy (yes, my name in Italian is the word ‘divine’!), and I thought if only I didn’t have to look up some of these words or people I don’t know.  There was always another reference to explaining something or other.  So I have recently began my own journey into the dark forest and through the Inferno (and eventually Purgatory and Paradise), in which the ye’s and thou’s will be gone, it will be in chapter form instead of a poem, and words changed if need be, while people are explained to be who they are in the text; but without taking away from the original work.  I am sure I am not the first person to attempt this endeavor, and I have no idea if anyone would publish it but it is something to do to distract me on my bad days.  It has kept me busy, and if no one wants to publish maybe it is a new blog idea after I post my life of 30 years in 30 days.  

Secrets

We all have secrets…dare to share yours? I’ll share mine soon…

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A Reflection

A Reflection

There is a shadow looming in front of me, and the closer I get the more apprehensive I become.  My fear grows as I realize I am standing face to face with a mirror, and the image looking back at me is not one I recognize.  It is me, a me I no longer know, a me I feel I have never truly understood.  Sometimes I think I am average at best, but when I look, really look, on my bad days I find myself thinking how ugly and tired I appear to be.  Personally, when I stare at my own reflection it is not only the physical depiction I see but also the anger, resentment, mistakes, and regrets I try to keep buried deep inside my soul.  Depression and anxiety course through my entire being, and I can’t seem to find the strength to make it go away.  Instead I revel in it, I hold on tight, and greet it like an old friend.

I wonder what others genuinely see or think of me, from the first impression to a friendship down a long bumpy road it always remains somewhere in the back of my mind.  While some people may not care what others think; I know we all try but there comes a time it feels personal and affects everyone on some level of their consciousness.  Someone may sit around wondering why a specific person doesn’t like them, what they may have said or done wrong.  I sit around wondering why all the people in my life stick around or even care about me.  I am nothing special, I have not much to offer, I am a follower not a leader, and have perceived myself taking on traits of others because I feel I never had the chance to figure out who I was because of the negativity that has surrounded my life for so long.  With a mother who was a depressed, suicidal, mentally challenged person that became emotionally and physically abusive, I sense I lost the connection of the person I could have been.

Living in a house of lies through my formative years one might think I have a hard time trusting others; instead I trust too easily but I am never surprised when I am disappointed.  I do have friends there for me no matter how long its been since we’ve even exchanged a few words; and yet I am alone.  I feel alone.  I chain smoke, drink coffee, and write.  When I go out I can not control the pang of jealousy that hits when I see someone with a baby, as it reminds me of the second child I didn’t have.  I cried when I was told it is best I don’t have children anymore after the last one had to be ended; I don’t like that my choice has been taken away from me.

I am slowly losing my grip on sanity when I see that reflection of myself in the mirror.  I think about getting off my medication, and having another baby even if it would make me a single mom with 2 children instead of just my son.  I can not see myself actually doing it, because it doesn’t bring the other one back, and nothing could replace the hole in my heart except the one thing they say: time heals all wounds.

With all of that going on inside me, I am still here, and I live each day for my 3 year old son (whom I believe is a genius already!).  We all have bad days, hated ourselves for one thing or another, made mistakes, and have regrets.  When I am out with friends I may sometimes put on a brave happy face, but after a while the pretending to be positive actually becomes real; the more positive you try to be the more it happens.  I learned that I am not alone even when it seems like I am.  Jen is my blue sapphire, my constant, truth, and calm through every storm I face.  Ashley is my ruby, passionate, loving, and Ash burns as bright red as our identical Sag. fire sign suggests.  Emily is my emerald, down to earth with a peaceful disposition I can always count on to bring me hope like that of a new spring, and Em is my (as she once wrote for me) ‘I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being…’  Megan is my diamond, brilliant, joyful, and so full of life one can not help but feel like every day is worth living when she is around.

When you see your reflection in the water, the mirror, or a store window what do you truly see?  The negative is there and I don’t ask anyone to overcome it because sometimes its just too strong and will break you instead.  But if you can find a way to glimpse a positive balance to equal out that negative; I promise you one day you’ll make it out the other side.

                   

             Davina

The First Poem I Ever Wrote

I believe I feel like sharing this now even though my life story I plan to start sharing through September is about two weeks away…in its own way it is a poem version of how I saw my life from when I was young to when I finally wrote it down on paper last year.

The Arcana of My Life

Innocent and naïve, I once was

Until I saw the world

And what the future held for me because…

Insanity would claimed my mother for its own

While father vanished from my vision, and I knew not where he had gone

I prayed for God to save me, but realized soon he too had left me alone

Abandoned without love, I saw my own personal hell

Life moved on, as I stood still

Broken inside, but I could see that I hid it well

I withdrew into myself, weak and pale

Becoming blind to what was real

Dying felt easier than being alive, as I saw myself hanging from a rope, thin and frail

But Death would not take me yet

Fate was patient, but unkind

For all my sins and regrets, the Devil I did still owe a debt

Though I was not ready when he found his way inside my mind

Hope was fleeting, and I let go

Illusions and nightmares were all that I could now find

I look around my world, where the darkness has not yet won

And wonder what I would do to deserve what was to come

What price must I pay to live my next life out in the sun?

Open your eyes,…

Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?
Bob Marley

My answer would be no, I wish I had accomplished more by this point in my life, but like I feel most people; we don’t know how to change this. Maybe this is because change is hard, and changing your whole perspective on the live you are living (and then doing something to also change it) is one of the hardest things in the world. I also believe giving yourself the chance to try is one of the bravest things one can do; we fail but I believe another quote somewhere says its better than never trying…

ME

It is 1:34am in OH to which I have woken up from that wonderful thing we call sleep only to not be able to get back there.  My name is Davina, I am 30, I am a single mom to a 3 year old son, and we have a Siamese kitten named Sansa.  I love coffee and hate tea, I am afraid to drive on the highway which may have something to do with not learning to drive until I was 21, I love Game of Thrones but have yet to see the third season, I hate that the one guy I have always been in love with lives in London, has always been there for me, and is my perfect guy whom I met in Italy 4 years ago but sadly we have had a long distance relationship ever since and I never see that changing, and I am the most excited I have been in the past year because I am going to see Mumford & Sons at the end of the month!  My first attempt at blogging was an intro about myself on another wordpress page Belle Donne that my friend started, and has 5 of us girls contributing to (yes there will be a link to that page also when we get things going a little more).  I love to write, and I found that blogging maybe a good way for me to clear my head.  I tend to write for myself anyway so why not share if it might help someone else who is struggling with a situation like mine?  What I like to write, and will be seen on our group blog, are things that make people stop and think.  That is what I want to do, give people a chance to just reflect on life, and the life they know compared to others.  This page was created for a completely different reason.  Between now and September 1 I will post a few different things for you to get to know me for who I am now.  I believe that will help because from September 1-September 30 there will be one blog per day for each year of my life: 30 years in 30 days.  Some people may say it has been an interesting life I have led, I would describe it more as fucked up.  The universe decide at a very young age for me that about 90% of my life would revolve around negative events I would have to overcome that were more or less out of my control.  I also want people to feel something when they read my writing whether it be happiness and laughter, sadness and tears, anger and resentment, forgiveness and understanding, and more.  We all feel these things in our daily lives, but we do not allows allow ourselves to truly feel them because we are always distracted by that thing we call life.  I will leave you with this for my first blog on my page…I picked the main photo I have up so far, and for this blog, was not to show you have beautiful my shoulder happens to be, but because it shows a smiling playful side to me even after everything I have been through.  If you can laugh and smile through all your pain, eventually you can make it out the other side.  This blog is also going to be very personal and it is somewhat exposing myself by showing off my most recent tattoo in sanskrit that has a very deep, and personal meaning to me, and I am sure countless others as it is used in modern mantras even today:  ‘Lead me from ignorance to truth, lead me from darkness to light, lead me from death to immortality, Om peace, peace peace’…