The Day After…

I have found nothing in the past few weeks to help on my search to being happy again.  My son is still the only thing I live for.  I turned 31 yesterday, and I have orange hair.

That was what I had figured out by my birthday.  Now, a few days later, I have realized I am unhappy because of someone.  Someone who isn’t really even in my life anymore.  You know when you think you found the perfect guy…and then realize you got played.  Yeah, that is what I am thinking only I’ve continued to be unhappy because I wanted to believe it was real.  Why do we allow anyone else to have that much power over us?  It can be a different person for each of us but at some point in your life you let a parent, a partner, or a friend decide who you were.  Maybe it was just for a short time or its continued on for years, every situation is different, but I believe we’ve all been there.  Lost sight of who we are because what made someone else happy (usually someone you love) was more important.

Basically, there is no happily ever after; dying your hair red because he likes red heads (which it is now but just because it won’t go white!), defending him for horrible things he said, trying to still be friends even though he never sees you…none of it is going to make it come back.  He isn’t going to magically decide he wants to be with you when he obviously never really did.  Why have I been holding onto something that I knew was never going to happen?  There is hope and then there is wishful thinking; and really I only have myself to blame.

I’ve let myself be delusional, I have been unhappy because I thought only that one thing…that one person, could make me happy again.  Not just happy but as if life was perfect in those few moments I was being played with singing, wine, and chocolate.  I have to find away to let it all go, everything I’ve held onto for over a year needs out of my life forever.  I’m making myself unhappy holding on to things that were never real, dwelling on them even when I didn’t think I was, forgetting to live life.  That is one thing no one should ever have the ability to do to, take away who you are.  I am the most important person in my life (besides my son!), and I deserve to be happy.

I believe in…(blank)…

 

At a time we are all supposed to believe in Christmas Spirit and Joy; I am desperately trying to find something that will help me get out of my depressed state.  I have been unhappy for the better part of a year, with only a few glimpses of what it once meant to be happy.  I sit around in what everyone calls my ‘mom robe’, avoid going anywhere if I don’t have to (work, gas station, store occasionally, movie theater to see Catching Fire…obviously only the most important things that can not be overlooked), and I sleep more than I should (I partly blame the cold weather on this).  I would like to live again, even if it is the life I have been handed for now, and get out there in the world again.

Someone once said something along the lines of ‘If you don’t like your life, change it.’  Okay, I’ll get right on that (cough *sarcasm*)!  I think that person was a fucking idiot (or I will find out later it was a genius who knew a secret to life I never will).  I have a 3 year old son who needs stability after everything we have been through, a job I don’t like but has benefits, and bills that have to be paid.  I go to work (most days),  take care of my son everyday I am not at work, and have amazing friends I never see.  The only ‘realistic’ thing I could change is my hair color again, and that would be in the form of a $5 box of dye from Walmart.

I could make goals to change my life in the future, but that does not help my wanting to change my life now.  I can not change the past no matter how many times I go to bed hoping to wake up at any pivotal moment in my life…and make a different choice.  I smoke, drink too much coffee, and rely on professional and self medicating in the present to get past each day to the next.  Everything has its limits, and that maybe why I dread the future if this is how I am now.  What happens if I go back to (as put best recently in ‘Meet Virginia’ by Train I heard on my way to work yesterday) “…Well she wants to live her life, Then she thinks about her life, Pulls her hair back, as she screams, ‘I don’t really wanna life this life’…”

I feel like I am screaming for help sometimes, but no one notices; and if I actually screamed no one would hear me.  I have lost my voice, and possibly my mind with it.  I don’t want to go back there, not to that dark place of actually not wanting to live anymore.  Sometimes I still believe dying would not be so bad.  I could not imagine not watching my son grow up, but its a different mind set all together when you get so depressed, and feel so much pain nothing; not even time; seems to be healing your wounds.  I take it one day at a time, but they are all the same.  I will be 31 in 10 days, and need to find something in life to believe in again; the way children believe in magic.

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Audrey Hepburn

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.

Norman Vincent Peale

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Eleanor Roosevelt

I do believe we’re all connected. I do believe in positive energy. I do believe in the power of prayer. I do believe in putting good out into the world. And I believe in taking care of each other.

Harvey Fierstein

I think I have lost sight of who I am.  Who is Davina (aka Mommy)?  I think if I could remember that, then I could believe in myself again.  I need to believe in anything again, and from there the rest will follow (including magic).  In the next 10 days I will start trying to find myself, love myself instead of hate, and believe I could still accomplish my dreams in life instead of giving up.  I will post again on my 31st birthday, December 14th, to share what progress I have made, and how far I still have to go on this journey to finding my self (again), and hopefully the reasons we continue living even when everything has gone so wrong.